I have always been cautious as to who I let in my life.
I usually trust a few, and don’t really feel the need to open up to everyone I meet. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a few I consider friends.
And you—you were the best friend I never had. We never said we were best friends but you are the best friend I ever met. You gave me all the appreciation and care that all I met could ever give, combined.
Since our eyes met I knew you were trouble. I knew you’d be someone so special I’d never dreamed of losing. I was right. You became that kind of person to me. And worse—I fell in love with you.
Perhaps you never knew I felt this way because I never had the courage to tell it to you anyways. Or maybe you knew, you felt it, but just never felt the same way towards me; that’s why you’ve always turned a blind eye.
But seeing you now slowly drift away from me, vocally saying I should focus on other things and not devote myself to you; isn’t that just another way of rejecting me? Killing me slowly?
I don’t blame you for anything. I have loved but it was never returned to me and it’s not your fault if you don’t feel anything special towards me.
So this is how I’ll say goodbye to you.
I will go to places we’ve been to on my own, not to relive our good memories but to replace them with new ones. With something I share with someone else, or maybe no one else.
I will put you on mute, put our conversation in Archive so I won’t see you and have this urge to message you every time; especially when something good happens to me and I want to share my happiness with you.
I will try to delete or seal away, all the literary pieces that I’ve written about you. All those heart-warming and heart-wrenching poems and prose portraying how much you meant to me, how you became my world. I will write about something else from now on.
And even though it’s not entirely possible, I will make myself forget about you. All the good memories, all the things we did together, places we went to, and even the silent but comfortable silence we shared.
But really, how can I forget someone who gave me so much to remember?
Please tell me. Please tell me how I can possibly say goodbye to someone I loved so dearly, someone I prayed for the heavens above to stay with me until I breathe my last breath?
Tell me. Tell me how to un-love you, tell me how you managed to not love me back, tell me the most hurtful words.
“I will never love you.”
“You were just deluded by your own imagination, we never really had a connection.”
Because I think only then, will I be able to finally realize that I was never special in your eyes to begin with. That from the very beginning, we were fated to end abruptly, just like how it did with all the people I’ve loved before.
And I’m sorry but I will need some time alone, time away from you. This is what I need to make myself finally believe that we are no longer what we used to be. This is the only way I can think of, to truly move on and say goodbye to you.
Someday, if we ever meet again, I hope I will be able to look at you in the eyes, without my heart racing, and manage to say, “hello,” once again.
I know that in every hello, there is an impending good bye. But maybe by the time we meet again, I will love myself enough and have already moved on; so if we ever part once more, it won’t hurt as much as I am hurting now.
Goodbye, my first love.