Insecurities and trauma can be our worst enemy.
They push us down to the ground and make us fearful of being the best we can be.
Thoughts of insecurities can lurk in and out of our minds, and it is like this baggage we tend to carry on our shoulders. The trauma is constantly in the back of our minds and spread through our bodies.
I always believed that I would be the perfect daughter, student, and sister with a perfect life. But I would soon come to realize that would be untrue.
Throughout my life, there have been obstacles I never felt I could overcome. I am turning 20 this year, and to be honest with myself, I did not think I would make it this far. Not even close.
The bumpy roads in the life I lived are not what I consider to be perfect or beautiful.
Sure, I had many exciting moments, but all I could conjure in my mind were the damaging ones. I let the baggage define me as a person.
I grew up in a toxic environment that made me fearful of the world. Constantly seeing and hearing things a young child should never have to go through on their own.
It was like a daily routine. I would come home happy from school and come up against the issues between my parents. Witnessing their arguments and violent actions, I was lost.
I had friendships where I let people walk over me and then toss me aside when they didn’t need me anymore, leaving me feeling unworthy. But I am not one to beg, so I had to accept and ignore what was happening in those moments.
I had to pretend to be strong, telling myself nothing could drag me down.
But deep inside, I knew I wasn’t.
As I grew up, I let the baggage of my experiences get a grip on me. It was like this big, dark looming shadow always behind my shoulder, constantly telling me, “You’re not strong or wise enough to get better. Why even keep going? Life is never going to get better for you.”
I felt like I was completely losing myself over a feeling I couldn’t even touch or see. It felt like a ghost lingering next to me, just spitting out these thoughts. I did not think anyone would understand what I was feeling, so I didn’t make an effort to reach out for support. I was stuck in this loop of feeling hopeless.
But as I moved through different chapters of life, I noticed things changing.
I opened my eyes. Around the time I turned 18, I no longer wanted to drown myself anymore. Being at my lowest, I chose to help myself. This could be a dangerous thing because you may not know how to help yourself. But I did it.
I worked through my baggage. Now, I understand I had to go through these obstacles to become the strong woman I am today. I was drained of staying trapped in this shadow behind me. Being stuck in endless thoughts that consumed me. Living through days where I could not see the light of day, and finally, I did.
It felt like I was finally ready to let go of everything holding me back.
Now, I go on many adventures with my family and best friends. I treat myself when I feel like it. I work on my self-care. And I’m currently in college and working as hard as I can towards my aspirations.
I am now seeing that the baggage I carried is easing up, and I’m eager to fully let go of it and raise my head up high. I am super excited to see where I go in the future.
If I could say anything to what has caused me sorrow, I would say thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to find myself. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for letting me help myself.
Without those experiences, I wouldn’t have been given some of the happiest moments of my life.
Life can never be as perfect as we imagine because we have to be able to go through the aching first, to be able to see the beauty of what’s to come.
I no longer let myself be defined by what I went through. I am not my pain. I have learned to never let the cruelty of the world consume me.
I am coming to terms with becoming unbroken.