This Is Goodbye To The Old Me

goodbye to the old me
Photo by Ben Den Engelsen

While she’s better for me and I love her, I still love you.

I still think of you constantly.

You treated me horribly, for the most part. I hated the way you touched me with such disgust, how you tried to hide.

So soft-spoken and timid, you wanted everyone to hear you but how could they? How could they listen when you didn’t even listen to yourself?

You held onto everyone else’s words with such force. Sometimes it seemed impossible to get you to let go. You listened to what everyone said about me and you hated me for it.

Sometimes, no one said anything, they just looked. To you, their eyes were mountains of words. Words that sat in your brain and replayed over and over again.

Do you know what saddens me the most? You didn’t love me in public nor private. You made me feel as if I was like walking through a never-ending labyrinth. So lost and alone. I was trapped in what was supposed to be my home.

Despite me disliking a few of your actions, I miss you sometimes. I miss how carefree you were. How you walked around like you were invincible, unstoppable. Maybe that wasn’t the case, maybe you didn’t care if you lived another day.

I miss your optimism. You had so many plans but there were no actions behind them. Just dreams and wishes. You wore a smile like a mask that was permanently glued to your face.

As much as I want to, I do not hate you. I feel sorry for you.

She is the complete opposite of you. She makes me feel complete.

Although she makes me more cautious, I can’t deem that as bad since it makes me realize life is short.

She made me realize I should be grateful for every moment I have.

Whenever her hands touch my skin it’s soft and delicate, like an angel touching me. She tells me I’m beautiful every time she lays her eyes on me, making sure I never forget. She has plans for all her dreams and she’s already accomplished a few.

The biggest difference between her and you is how she looks at me.

When she looks at me I feel nothing but love and warmth. She looks in the mirror and realizes the world needs her words, her perspective, her scars that tell stories, her body that makes noise when it walks through the room.

The world needs her just as much as she needs herself.

She makes me feel loved every single day, something you could never do no matter how much I wanted you to.

I know you didn’t love me at all but, I love you.

I forgive you for everything you did to me.

I hope you know I love you, old me, just as much as I love the new me.

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