I Didn’t Know What Loving Myself Means, Until Now

What loving myself means
Photo by Jonathan Borba

Welcome to the world of healing, as I know it.

If you’ve ever had to heal yourself from any pain or loss, thank you for doing the work your heart needs. If you need to be here, know that I am with you on this journey. Know that you will heal the parts that you have held onto so tightly, because the brokenness feels more comfortable than living without it.

Know that you will feel lighter one day; when you’re ready to let go and mend those pieces in your own way, in your own time. Understand there is no right answer to how this will look for you, and there is no time frame in which you are obligated. You are in control of how you process your grief and move forward, into all of your tomorrows. I hope you can see that your tomorrows are going to be brighter than before. And if you can’t see this yet, I will tell you now—the sun is waiting for you on the other side.

Have you ever had a moment in which you know you’re receiving the clarity you so badly need?

If so, I hope your moments have served you well and you’ve lived up to honouring the answers. If you don’t know what I’m referring to, I hope that you continue to look for these moments and grow in the direction that calls you. These callings are where you will find your clarity.

My clarifying moment would appear as nothing special to anyone from the outside, but I heard it within every fibre of my being. I was standing in the kitchen, on a Sunday night, with the faint light of the streetlights trickling through the window. It was peaceful. My hair was wet, tied up in a bun, with the scrunchie that has become my go to. I finished the pile of dishes that accumulated from prepping meals for the week, with Oprah’s soothing words flowing in the background. It was silent in my head and my heart. As I stood there gathering the vitamins I’d been taking in pursuit of a healthier lifestyle, I practised stillness.

It was in this stillness that I found the answer to the question I didn’t know I was asking.

I finally loved myself.

I think the majority of us are conditioned to accept ourselves, but nothing more. And in the worst case scenario, the world teaches us to disapprove of who we are, which creates a routine of self-sabotaging behaviours; most subconsciously. And I am no different. I never fully appreciated all that I am in this world. All that I have to offer. All that I have learned in my relatively short existence thus far.

I didn’t understand what loving myself means, until now.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely heard this phrase before and I liked myself enough—on the good days. But I never saw myself with the same respect and care that I did for the people closest in my life.

I thought back to relationships and the situations that played into their endings, and I saw the person I used to be. I was proud of her for knowing what she needed to change; for taking those steps to move forward.

I felt a release of pressure lift from my body as if my soul was saying, “you’re home.

The healing that I pursued was built around a bruised heart, as a means of mere survival at one point. But it wasn’t until standing in my stillness that I recognised I healed so much more along the way. I had healed myself, from myself. My past, my present, and everything in between. I either grew out of, or into it. And for that, I am grateful.

My days are now brighter than they were before, which I didn’t think I would see again. My voice is calmer and sturdier, with the confidence to speak my truth into existence. Without the experience of loss and disappointment, I wouldn’t have found this place. My stillness. My home, within my heart.

Your tomorrows are going to look different than mine; as they should. But however you want your tomorrows to look, is possible to the highest degree. When you heal one part of yourself, you will see a trickle effect into other areas of your life. Like a small pebble being dropped into a body of water; the ripples will continue and they will grow. And you too, will be grateful for the chance to rebuild yourself.

I wish you all the brightest tomorrows this life has to offer, and I hope you see them soon. They’re patiently waiting for you.

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