You Were Never Meant To Love Me, But To Help Me Love Myself

help me love myself
Photo by Alena Darmel

I’ll always love you, but not in the way you expect.

I’d dealt my fair share of heartbreak before I met you. I already knew what I was risking every time I decided to open myself to a new connection. When we’d part our ways, I’d drown in self-pity, beg the universe to change things. Everything one does while going through an unwanted breakup. But deep inside, I always knew that things would be okay in the end. I never once questioned if I’d feel the pain forever because my feelings were always temporary.

And then I met you

I wish I’d been warned about how permanently a soulmate can affect you. It went beyond waiting for that “I miss you” text or hoping they dreamt about me. It doesn’t bother me that you don’t regret your actions. In fact, I’m happy that you’re living without any guilt associated with me. I admit that it took me time to accept I’ll never get any closure from you.

But since I realized we shared a soul contract, it seems so insignificant now. Your purpose in my life has been fulfilled. You were meant to trigger my journey towards self-love, not to love me. I can’t thank you enough for that. 

I’m not in love with you anymore, but I’ll never fully detach from you.

Your name will haunt me wherever I go. Whether it’s while I’m praying for those I love or while I remember the saddest time of my life. You called it wrong timing, but darling, everything happened at the right time.

Your departure came when I was at the lowest point of my life. And so, while all the beliefs about my reality crashed and burned, it gave me the opportunity to develop new ones for myself. Beliefs that are more aligned with my abundance and potential of power. I can only hope that I’ve managed to help you in a similar way. 

I expected to understand that my insecure attachment style was the reason I felt so strongly about you. I waited and waited for the day to wake up and feel numb when I hear your name. Although you no longer elicit any excitement nor melancholy from me, I’m far from numb. You’re everything I thought you were. You will always be my soulmate and one of my greatest blessings. Your presence in my life isn’t required to make me believe that. 

I see the man you are today, and I don’t recognize you at all. But I don’t recognize who I was when I met you either. I’ve healed my inner child, consistently done my shadow work, and can tap into my divine feminine energy any time I please. You wouldn’t recognize me either.

The person I so desperately wanted a future with no longer exists, and I’m so proud of you for that. I hear your voice loud and clear, but nothing rings a bell. Every day I have to pretend that everything has gone back to default—life before we met each other. If we decided to be honest with each other, things would never be the same. I don’t recognize the words coming out of your mouth, but your energy feels so familiar. My heart says, “I can’t put my finger on it, but I swear I’ve met you before.” I feel nothing but love for you, and I don’t know you at all.  

The universe works in strange ways, but I’m beginning to grasp why it works the way it does.

Even though I’ve been given another opportunity to be a bigger chapter in your life, I’m sticking to the last page. This isn’t me giving up on trying to be your lover again. I’m not suited to play that role in your life. I now understand that I’ll always wish you happiness even if it’s not with me. In fact, that’s the only way either of us can truly be happy. No matter how much either of us wishes for another chance at forever, it won’t change our fate. Let’s stop coming in the way of our own happiness and love each other from a distance. 

This is the best ending that’s in store for us. This is our happy ending.

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