Let me just start by saying I sure know how to pick them. Ha. Actually, I don’t, but do any of us these days?
It isn’t that I don’t trust my judgement. I have an out of this world intuition.
What I can’t ever anticipate is when or how quickly another person will change. People wake up, only having slept the night before, and feel completely different about you. They wake up and don’t want you around anymore.
The worst part is sometimes there is no reason. Some times they don’t even know why.
It sucks, doesn’t it? But wait, they’re human too, just like you. Have you ever decided you just don’t feel the same about someone? If you haven’t, I wouldn’t believe you.
So for me, I don’t trust myself to love someone right now, no matter how much I want to. Because I change my own mind.
I’m too picky. I’m annoyed too easily. I’m too set in knowing exactly what I want. I refuse to settle for less, and people are too set on giving too little. Right now I honestly would hurt someone. Unless they were exactly what I’m looking for, sparking any interest for me is impossible.
Thankfully, I’m mature enough to know this. I have no interest in playing with someone else’s emotions. I just wish others thought like this as well. Destroying someone for your own temporary pleasure and entertainment is about as selfish as you can get. But people do it and often.
We aren’t upfront with others about what we want and our intentions because we don’t know them. We are scared to be upfront because we don’t want them to realize they deserve better. Not quite rejection — more so self worth. People know your worth, they just hope that you don’t. Especially if it keeps them from getting what they want out of you.
However, this isn’t why I don’t trust myself. I know better than to be manipulative. I don’t trust myself because I know myself.
I could vibe really well with someone via messaging, but the second we meet in person, not be able to stand their vibe.
And I won’t hide it. I will leave off the bat, say “I’m not really feeling this”, and not be the least bit sorry. My fault or theirs?
I’m not sure, but either way it doesn’t matter, I’m gone. It may not be the persons vibe, I may strongly dislike the sound of their voice, or how they fidget their hands. And NOPE. You’re not for me.
Maybe that sounds harsh, but I’m not going to disrupt my own peace at someone else’s expense. If you make me uncomfortable for any reason, what’s the point? I don’t feel bad for knowing when my vibe is thrown off. I also won’t feel bad for having the courage to listen to it and respect it.
Isn’t it better that I tell you now with honesty, before you catch feelings, and it’s a shot to your pride and heart? You can be honest without being an asshole, and I think a lot of people forget that.
At least I can say I have true intentions. My love is pure and generous even through my strong will.
At least I can say I am honest even when it’s hard. Thankfully, I know how to be honest without being rude.
At least I know I am a danger. I choose to not hurt others for temporary pleasure.
At least I know I don’t trust myself to love someone just yet.
Can you same the same about yourself?