I Left My Marriage So I Could Rise

left my marriage
Photo by Natali Wonkaz

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”—Anais Nin.

She didn’t think she would see this day, ever. She gladly gave up the days of being single for a life with him.

To create life with him.

However, here she is a year later.

Single and changed.

Renewed.

Some days she feels painfully strong. Other days, she radiates light and positivity.

She was forced to heal the heartache left behind from a marriage that didn’t celebrate the tenth anniversary.

Maybe she got too comfortable. Perhaps she allowed herself to get lost in the perfect couple she desperately wanted them to become but never did.

She knows that there are days he probably hurts too.

She no longer carries the guilt of the most challenging decisions of her life.

She always told him that she could never live without him.

She was right.

The girl he knew died when she accepted that they weren’t meant to continue this journey together.

She died multiple times, and she had to make all the funeral arrangements to lay to rest the naïve version of herself.

She put on her wedding dress one last time on what would have been their tenth anniversary. She saw herself one last time, so she could let go of what could’ve been, should’ve been, and never became.

Every now and then, she whispers to herself that she wants him to save her from making the decision to walk away. In their time together, she could never articulate what she needed from him. She couldn’t because she no longer had the energy to tell him what to do to save her. She no longer wanted to tell him how to love her.

She can bravely say that her voice doesn’t shake anymore when she speaks of what happened and that sometimes scares her.

It’s as if with every retelling of the ending, she grew stronger.

With every tear she quietly shed, she watered the beautiful blooms within her.

The blooms that are flourishing into the woman she’s becoming through her disappointment. The woman she proudly shows the world.

One that is wiser, stronger, and unapologetic for all the beautiful imperfections within her soul.

She has painfully learned that instead of giving her backstory, she would rather let others know who she is today.

Her backstory has its place, and it is in the past.

The past cannot be changed, shifted, or altered.

It stays forever in place. She chooses to leave it there and discover the new version of herself that is willing to do whatever it takes to love and respect herself again.

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