I am no longer afraid to wake up alone in the morning. To spend all day in my pyjamas and drink hot coffee on the balcony as I watch strangers pass. I am no longer afraid to travel solo. To drive alone without a destination and to sing along with the radio at the top of my lungs. I am no longer afraid to feel bad for saying no, or feel bad for saying yes.
And I am no longer afraid to leave dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, or to leave my dirty gym clothes on the bathroom floor. I can clean it up tomorrow morning before my yoga class. Or maybe I won’t. In fact, maybe I’ll go all day without showering or brushing my hair. Maybe I’ll go to bed at 3am and fall asleep with the TV on. Maybe I’ll go for a run before sunrise, and spend the day at the beach reading my favourite book instead.
That is the beauty of being alone.
The beauty of being able wake up when you want to wake up. To do what you want to do, go where you want to go, and say what you want to say. To be able to live life by your own rules, and to be able to make your own decisions. Having no one there to dictate your every move or criticise your life choices. No one to tell you how to stack the dishwasher or how to fold the clothes. No one to make you feel bad for living life the way you want. And no one to stop you from being you.
I think there is something special in the value of being alone.
To be able to enjoy and appreciate your own company. To be content with the silence that you may constantly surround yourself with. And to find comfort in being able to sit in solitude. To be able to look inwards and connect with your thoughts and emotions on a much deeper level. To know exactly what you want and to understand exactly what you need. There is power in this sort of independence, and having the ability to look after yourself. To have your own back, and to realise that sometimes the only person you can count on is yourself.
I never used to be like this though.
I spent years in a toxic relationship that made me afraid to be alone. Because I never really knew any different. I relied on this person for my happiness and began to question my worth when things went wrong. I constantly tried to seek validation and approval from this person. Just so I could feel somewhat good enough. I needed to feel loved, and I wanted to feel needed.
I used to go to bed thinking about what I could have done differently. How I could have been better? How could I have fought harder? Once it ended I was an absolute mess. My world had just been taken away from me, and the fear of being left alone was something I just couldn’t shake. I simply thought that I would never be happy being alone. Until now.
Now, I am no longer afraid to be alone because I know everything will be okay. I have trust in the process that things will work out. And I have discovered a sense of trust within myself that I never knew I had. Being alone has taught me to trust my intuition and have confidence in the decisions I make. It gave me the ability to look inwards, to be able to step outside my comfort zone, to take risks and learn from my mistakes.
Being alone has also taught me that I don’t need another person to feel whole again. I am not afraid to wait for the right love to find me, rather than constantly trying to search for it. I no longer need to seek validation from others. Because I now know that I am enough. I don’t need to settle for a love less than I deserve, just so I can cover up the feeling of occasional loneliness.
Being alone has taught me to love myself. It has taught me to be my own best friend. To love my flaws and to never apologise for being myself. It helped to ignite a sense of peace within myself that I know I won’t find anywhere else. It taught me to be the most true and most authentic version of myself every damn day. And it taught me that I don’t need anyone else but me.
I am no longer afraid to be alone.