I can’t help but feel triggered when I’m having sex.
Some people say that sex is one of the only things where they find themselves utterly in the moment. Void of all distractions and other thoughts. But not for me. My mind loves nothing more than to wander when I’m having sex.
And it’s not the usual suspects you’d think of. I don’t often worry about how my body looks, or what I smell or taste like. No.
I think about the women who are just going along with sex, even when they really don’t want it. Because they think they should, or they have to, or they’re afraid of what will happen if they say no.
I think about the women who are actually in physical and emotional pain. But gritting their teeth and smiling; just trying to get through it.
I think about all the women faking it. Pretending that they’re enjoying themselves. Faking pleasure. Faking orgasms. Moaning and screaming. Just so he’ll feel good about himself, or so they can get it over with and go to sleep.
I think about the women with men who are addicted to watching porn that objectifies and degrades women. The women who alarmingly find themselves being slapped, choked, or spit on, because that’s what he sees in porn. And that is how he has learnt to see women. Some of them may know he’s been watching it, while others are blissfully unaware. It doesn’t really matter either way. It’s all humiliating just the same.
I find myself thinking about all the women who are being raped right now, and all the women who have ever been raped. By men they know, and men they don’t. All the brave women who weren’t believed. All the women who’ve had to say me too.
I think about all the women who have experienced trauma in their lives. And I think about how painful it must be for them to open themselves to sex after that. To open their legs, and their heart. Because how could a woman have sex again and not think about it? I haven’t been through their trauma, and it still consumes my mind.
I’ve always believed that sex is supposed to be this beautiful, magical, passionate act of love; intimately shared between two people. And it hurts my heart knowing that this is not most women’s experience.
This is where my mind travels. I can’t help but feel triggered when I’m having sex.
As far as I know, this isn’t common amongst women like me, who haven’t experienced sexual trauma. But I’m a sensitive soul; highly intuitive, and full of empathy. I feel other people’s feelings, as if they were my own.
And I think it may be something to do with my experiences from past lives. The woman I was lifetimes ago.
The experiences I’ve had, and lived through, are etched into my bones. I carry them with me, always.
Thankfully, I haven’t endured sexual trauma in this lifetime. But for those of you who have, I stand with you. I walk with you. I’m thinking of you. And I’m holding space for you, in my heart, always.