Up until I was around 25, I wanted nothing more than to find my dream man, get married, have lots of kids and live happily ever after.
That’s what I would always tell my friends, my co-workers, and any guy I went on a date with.
I wanted four, by the way. Four kids. Now I feel like one might be plenty.
My career, very much came second, and was something I was filling my time with while I waited for the right man to show up.
I feel a little embarrassed admitting that. Because it paints the younger me as so ambition-less and not in control of her own happiness.
What was I thinking? Was I even thinking at all?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a mum, and experience motherhood; but I think I was sold that dream by society, and by my own mum. I never consciously chose it for myself. That’s what I find so unsettling.
Because now, at 30, my dreams couldn’t possibly be more different.
I can think of nothing worse than having a baby right now.
My friends laugh at how I’ve done a dramatic 180, and ended up here.
One of my friends is about to give birth any week now. She’s the first of any of my friends to become a mum. I’m incredibly happy for her and her partner. But at the same time, I can’t help but think about how their lives are going to dramatically change; and will never ever be the same again.
Perhaps for the better, but perhaps not in many cases.
And I don’t want that for myself; at least, not right now.
My focus is on building my business each day, and devoting the maternal energy I do have to the women I work with and reach through my business.
And I am loving being utterly selfish with my time. There’s no one else to think about, or work around; and I can pretty much do what I want, when I want, and not have to worry about anyone else’s needs.
At the end of the day, I’m already tired and mentally drained, so I cannot imagine how women feel when they add a baby into the mix. And I find myself wondering, will I ever be able to cope?
I love that my partner and I can spend quality time together, make plans whenever we want, and just enjoy each other’s company. A baby will change everything, and I’m not ready to change my lifestyle.
Some people would say that makes me selfish, and I’d agree. But I’d also say there’s nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes. And it’s much better to accept that you’re selfish and make decisions accordingly; than to pretend you’re not, and live a life of resentment and suffering.
I’m reminded of how my mother literally gave up her entire life to raise us. No one asked her to, but she wanted to do that. She wanted to be a mum, and she derived her value and worth from nurturing us.
And I know I have to thank her for that. Because if she had chosen to be selfish, then perhaps I wouldn’t be here; and almost certainly I wouldn’t have gotten the great foundation that I did get in my early life.
But I also have to learn from her. And I have to make choices that align with the woman I am, and the woman I want to become. Because we are all different. We are all walking different paths here on this earth. And that’s beautiful. We are not meant to follow in other’s footsteps, or take a path that has already been carved out for us by somebody else.
So, if you know in your heart you want to be a mum right now, that’s wonderful.
If you know you don’t want that right now, but you think you might in the future, that’s also wonderful.
And if you don’t think you are here to be a mum at all, that’s wonderful too. Your mission here in this lifetime is different. Not more or less important; just different.
All of these feelings and desires are valid. They do not need explaining or validating. They are yours to feel and to carry with you, without judgement.
Just because your body is physically able to create and birth life, it doesn’t mean that is what you are here for. It means you have a choice.