I used to be the Queen of holding a grudge.
Cross me when we’re both eight years old in the back garden, doing silly things that eight year olds do, and I won’t forgive you, or forget you.
Cross me when we’re 15, and saying stupid, spiteful things in the school corridors we don’t really mean; and I’ll remember this moment for decades to come.
Cross me when we’re 25, working alongside each other, and you’re resorting to manipulation and the old blame game; or you’re just being a plain old asshole, and your card is marked for life.
This elephant does not forget. Believe me, I’ve tried. But my mind clings on to each and every memory.
I’ve also never been a woman who does what she’s told; or, I do, and then I’m pissed off that I conformed for a moment, and I go uncontrollably wild.
The most recent memories I have all took place four years ago, while I was in my final year of being an employee. And thank fuck I haven’t had to go back since.
There were women who were threatened by my magic, because they lived in a world of fear and lack and competition.
Women who were so desperate to get ahead, they were willing to crawl on their knees with their arms bound behind their back, and their mouth gagged.
Women who wanted me to kiss the ground they walked on; and be their puppet on a tight string.
Women who were shocked that their authority was being questioned by someone ten years younger; and felt the need to spell it out in large print on the office walls.
Women who were just as miserable as I was working this crappy job, but felt incredibly uncomfortable that I was voicing what they felt.
And then there were the women who would pretend to be your friend, only to stab you hard in the back, over and over again.
I found myself drawing endless conflict into my world. Walking into battle each day. And leaving with one more wound or scar at night.
Grudges to last a lifetime. Or so I thought.
I carried them around with me for the months and years that followed. Thinking fuck you every time I had success, or achieved a new goal, or made more money than the pennies they told me I was worth.
When I got myself out of there and made the decision to start my own business.
When I wrote and published my first book.
When I moved to Bali, was living a vacation lifestyle, and was making more money than I ever have.
When I hosted my first retreat 5000 miles across the world.
This is what a grudge looks like. You’re always thinking of them. What they said, or did, or didn’t do, or say.
You feel like you’re constantly proving your worth and singing your own praises, while slapping their metaphorical face.
And that’s when it dawns on you.
They cannot hear you, and they don’t even know you’re thinking of them. In fact, they probably forgot you a long time ago. Yet, here you are, with their face etched into your brain, unable to move on from four years ago.
This is what holding a grudge does to you.
It’s like a silent virus, eating away at you from the inside, out. And no matter how good it may temporarily feel to hate someone and think fuck you, it never lasts. Because it’s not true happiness.
And with that awakening, you recognise it’s time to let the bad blood go.
Because it’s not serving you in any way. It’s hoovering up your precious time and energy and thoughts, and wasting them on irrelevant people and memories that are in the past.
This is challenging. I get it. I know it is. Especially when someone wrongs you in the most malicious, calculating, and treacherous way. But that is on them; and it’s their karma that they will have to work out in another lifetime.
And you carrying it around in a parcel taped to your head is only weighing you down. It’s keeping you bound to the past, and old, negative emotions.
This is what I’ve learned the hard way.
By all means, remove this person from your life. Don’t be friends with them, unless you want to be. But let go of the grudge, so you can selfishly let go of this negative energy. Because it doesn’t serve you in any way. And you deserve better.
They stopped thinking about you years ago. So stop thinking about them. Let it go. Return to peace.