Get Over Yourself, She’s Not Wearing Black Lingerie For You

she's not wearing lingerie for you
Photo by Scott Goodwill on Unsplash

Do you remember this line from the 1999 teen movie, 10 Things I Hate About You:

You don’t buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it.
― Bianca Stratford, 10 Things I Hate About You

There’s also a meme I saw a couple years ago – shared by someone in my network on Facebook – that pictures a woman with the accompanying words, “If she’s wearing black lingerie, that means she wants sex.

The same is often said about a woman who’s wearing matching lingerie of any kind.

No doubt, these were all penned and popularised by men.

I can remember sitting at the kitchen table having a similar argument with my dad and brother a long time ago. I can’t remember how we stumbled on this topic, but I was arguing that women wear what they want for themselves, not to attract or please men. My dad laughed, and quickly dismissed my opinion –  like he always does when he disagrees with it.

Isn’t it both hilarious and horrifying that men believe the only reason women want to look good is to impress them?

That we get up each morning, carefully select our clothes, do our hair, and put our make-up on, based on what we think they want to see?

That the only reason we would ever buy, or wear, a set of matching lingerie is because it will make us appear sexy, right before we have sex?

And still they say the male ego is a figment of a woman’s imagination.

I can’t speak for you, but I buy lingerie because it’s pretty. The lace, the silk, the intricacies and the oh-so delicate nature of it. What’s not to love?

Lingerie is my next love after clothing; I think it is what is worn underneath that really inspires a woman to feel beautiful in her clothes – that inner, secret glamour.
Alice Temperley

Lingerie is for women, what suits are for men. We’re not deluded into thinking men wear suits solely to impress women. Because we understand that men want to look good, and feel good, for themselves. So why would men assume women are any different?

I wear matching lingerie because it makes me feel like a fucking Goddess. Not because I want a man to think I’m fuckable.

Lingerie makes me feel sexy. It makes me feel put together, and powerful. And it’s like a sensual secret I have with myself the entire day, because nobody knows what’s underneath my clothes apart from me.

Anyway, we all know, as women, all we have to do is show up when it comes to sex. We know that men don’t need lingerie to be turned on by women, or want sex. We know it’s pretty much all that occupies their mind most of the time. So I don’t need to drop $100 in Victoria’s Secret on lingerie for any man. I could wear a bin bag down the street and that would probably do it.

Men: this is an invitation to get over your damn selves.

She’s not wearing matching black lingerie for you. She’s not wearing anything for you.

Women’s bodies and women’s appearances do not revolve around you. They do not belong to you. And they do not exist for your gratification. I know it’s hard to for you to fully accept that, after centuries of thinking otherwise. But it’s time to wake up.

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I read Bloom in one night. I started feeling hopeless and pushed down. Shani picked me up, dusted me off, and guided me to self-love in a few short hours with only print. Truly inspiring - Rebecca Barnoff

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