The Day You Became Someone I Used To Know

someone I used to know
Photo by Alena Darmel

I looked up and noticed the essential oil you brought over from Joshua Tree a few months ago. The same one I said smelled like pine-sol; the one still sitting next to my bed stand. And I couldn’t help but feel such a distance.

Although we were only two months ago, It feels like forever ago now.

I could no longer feel the way your hands rubbed my body until every inch of me was lathered in that oil.

And somewhere in between the synchronicities, meant-to-be, and I don’t know who you are anymore, there was a moment shared, a moment experienced that brought us together and fit so perfectly.

For a moment in time, it was just right. It was everything we needed.

Often, when a relationship ends, we tend to play the blame game and altogether dismiss the connection that happened. We stay busy so that the knot in our chest doesn’t feel as constricting. We avoid familiar places to prevent our mood from lowering in hopes of bringing some ease. We work so hard to forget.

Until one day, you were meant to be, becomes someone you used to know.

Despite how overwhelming endings can seem at times, ending abruptly in the middle of a sentence. Or perhaps a little more obvious, dragged along until the energy becomes too heavy, leaving you with no other option than to release. And yet, there is beauty and growth that come from an ending. There is an opportunity to reach within and thank the relationship for what it taught you.

Regardless of who was to blame, whether he was too insensitive and dismissive, or she was too clingy and needy, so she pushed me away.

I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Somewhere in-between, two humans come together in hopes of growing and navigating life together.

However, when we go into a relationship, we must remember that history flows through our veins. Shadows are hidden in our subconscious that perhaps some are aware of and others are not.

Until we can look within us with pure honesty and question why we gravitate towards unavailable people. Why we find ourselves in one-sided relationships. Or perhaps your story is the one where all of your exes were just “insecure women.” Or the guy who’s the player. Or they were just toxic and lacked self-awareness.

Whatever it is, we all have a say in these situations. We all have a part that we play.

Relationships aren’t one-sided; it’s not only them because a relationship isn’t 20% and 80%. No, it’s 100% = 100% effort and intention.

Even if you didn’t do anything, you always have a choice to walk away when things don’t feel right, when the effort isn’t being matched. Here is when you have to stop blaming “all your insecure exes” and look within yourself and ask what you are doing to contribute to this narrative. How are you responsible for playing out these patterns?

Ouch, it might sting when you start to hold yourself accountable for patterns that keep showing up in your relationships. Still, you’ll open up space to navigate future relationships easily or at least with awareness. Perhaps you’ll discover triggers that come up for you and learn how your body feels and how you can react when that happens for you.

Sometimes, you’ll find that you couldn’t show up in the way that was asked of you at that moment, and that’s okay. Forgive yourself for the people you couldn’t show up for, and forgive those who have caused you great grief.

We’re all just divine beings having a human experience. It’s not one or the other. Humans are much too intricate. We’re much too complex. There is always a lesson to be learned if only you look within.

The moment we hold ourselves accountable, we learn to be soft with those who hurt us. With those who couldn’t get it quite right.

And I’m almost certain that although it hurt, it also expanded you. It also made space for more secure love. It taught you what you wouldn’t settle for, what you would no longer tolerate in future relationships. It showed you your triggers and hopefully helped you learn how to hold space for that.

When I look back at past relationships that have ended, intimate or not, I’m overcome with gratitude. For the growth and evolution that shined through, for the strength and resilience gained.

If anything, I’ve learned from endings there are blank pages ready to be written, beauty to be discovered, and a joy to be felt.

People come into your life to grow you. Heal you. Or teach you a lesson. It’s up to you what you do with that.

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